Happy Valentines Day to you!

This week has been rather strange. I have had ups, downs and a few nothings...

My week in general flows by like water from a tap - it rushes in, circles the drain, and is lost forever (charming analogy don't you think?) Since the last update, I have managed to finish yet another novel (rather astounded?) I have cooked several dinners and have really just existed.

My client is still in hospital (surprise, surprise) and so the daily visits in are still occurring (yes, even in the snow - when the taxi skates to the hospital!!!) My client does not seem to be improving, but then that could be because I see him every day (or perhaps because he isn't??) His wife is still depressed and crying all the time (yay for me!) Their friends are dwindling (can't say I blame them - but it does show you who your true friends are). The one constant is... me... (is that too presumptuous?) They have both (in different ways) built up trust in me. His wife tells me stories, trusts me with her feelings and cries in my arms. My client looks to me for confirmation when the nurse wants him to do something, he tells the doctors to ask me for permission to take some blood from him, he asks me not to leave him - to stay 'just five more minutes', he sleeps when I'm there and he tells me things he cannot tell his wife.

Earlier this week my client was having a bad day (well, a really bad day among many bad days). He looked to me to make his pain stop. When I could not help him he began yelling at me, releasing all his frustrations on me. I cannot tell you how helpless this made me feel. It ended with a personal assault: he yelled that I was of no use and that I should 'leave and never come back' because I am a 'waste of space' and 'what is my purpose there if I cannot make him comfortable and do my job'. I understood where this anger was coming from. I brushed it aside empathically.

A little later on in the week, we were discussing the crossword in the Sun newspaper when, in all seriousness, he turned to me and asked me if I would assist him in killing himself. I was astounded (I saw it coming, but I never thought he would actually ask). He said it would be easy to get some medication and give him an overdose. I calmly spoke through it all with him. I discussed why I could not do something like that, and why he should want to live.

Later on, I cried.



Yesterday, Friday the 13th, marked the 14 month relationship between Shaun and myself. I managed to arrange a present fairy (thank you!) and type up a letter for him, which I could only hope he would appreciate (as we have spent the best part of 10 months on different continents). It turns out that he did appreciate my efforts as I got a whole facebook message from him AND a status update concerning me. So, considering myself rather lucky, I trudged through to today, Valentine's Day.

Today I got an email and a facebook message to wish me a happy Valentine's Day. I was ever so grateful.

Anyhow, I woke up this morning intending to spend the day in. I opened all the doors and windows, baked some banana bread, did some cleaning and vacuuming and then had a LONG LONG soak in the bath. I listened to the radio (I have officially chosen a radio station called 'Heart' to listen to for the next few weeks) and waited. I can't tell you what I have spent the day waiting for (you know when you just have that feeling???) but I am still waiting.

I hope that whatever it is I am waiting for will come/happen soon; otherwise I will be forced to put the plug in.